I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
You Might Also Like
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
The Friday File.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
had to share :’)
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
New mindset, who dis?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.