“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
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Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly