Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
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pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
I triple waxed for this?
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.