Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
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A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
My dog learned how to text
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
🤭😂
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
ok hear me out: Luigiana