@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
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(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Always 🥴
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream