A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
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While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Terribly Tuesday.
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.