Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
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Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.