Any time a child tries to guess my age.
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Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced