went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
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ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!