I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
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There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.