So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
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Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
How did we not see this back then?