Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I can’t stop laughing at this
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing