Unexpected Judgment
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[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Still a very good boi….
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Geez man, take it easy.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
I found your tweet-up…
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.