M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
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JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
you will never know the true number of layers
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.