I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
You Might Also Like
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Swedish for common sense.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
The Birdles
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction