Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
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– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”