This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
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If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.