Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
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*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
We like the way Dwight thinks
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?