Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
You Might Also Like
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
These aliens are taking forever.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”