Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
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In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”