The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
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kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.