Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
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Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I bet
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Baking is just science you can eat.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*