A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
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I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Look at this
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”