[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
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Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Ain’t no way
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
termite twitter scares me
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.