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Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”