HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
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I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Before & after 😅
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?