Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
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Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
britain’s three elite institutions
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Nothing.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy