The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
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I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Lmfao
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Oops I deleted….
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”