5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
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Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Otters drive ottermobiles.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie