Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
You Might Also Like
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.