Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
You Might Also Like
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
I have a new favorite meme page
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Hero horse inspires millions
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*