#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
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Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
is this store having a stroke wtf
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
Breaking news:
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso