[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
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Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.