💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
You Might Also Like
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
All generalizations are stupid.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Writing, She Murdered.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
#titanic
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.