*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
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Ken is short for chicken
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
3% human
97% stress
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.