If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
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Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.