Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
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9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
There’s no “u” in narcissist
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*