“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
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ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.