george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
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Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Danger is very dangerous
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
When I laugh on my period
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.