When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
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not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.