I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
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*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.