Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
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You are not alone 💚
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker