The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
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When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Shark week, but for squirrels.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.