NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
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The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”