[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
You Might Also Like
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Just a reminder, folks:
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Thanks to a fan for this one!
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store