Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
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Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
yea so i messed up lol
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Don’t tell me what to do
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
My friend is an excellent librarian.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯