I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
You Might Also Like
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
me logging onto twitter
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Boom, boom, ching!
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Never forget.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.