[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
You Might Also Like
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
time machine? you mean a clock?
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
pictures of spider-man
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.