It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
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(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes