In case you needed to hear it:
You Might Also Like
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Today’s Times
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me